I have been putting off this blog post...
Actually i haven't per say been putting it off, I have been dreading it.
I knew if I wanted to move on or at least start moving on I was gonna have to talk about it. So here goes.
It has been 361 days since I was raped. 361 since the guy who I thought was decent took my pride away from me.
I remember the day like the back of my hand. I told him to come over because he was drinking and I didn't want him to get drunk. I told him from the moment he walked in my backdoor nothing was gonna happen other than a simple kiss at best. I remembered that we ordered food and watched Avatar The Last Airbender and between food and Avatar it happened.
My timehop reminds me of meeting him and when we drank together and I cringe at the fact that I ever had feelings for him.
I remember telling my dad. Something I will never forget. I asked him to talk without my siblings, just me and him. We went to a park near his house, I remember telling him and us just sitting in silence. I made my dad promise he wasn't gonna take any crazy action.
I ended up blocking him on every social media after me confronting him went terrible. To this day, I will never forget the words, "You didn't say no when it was going on."
I ended up going to therapy and my therapist is dead quiet as I talked about my rape and to this day May 18th is one of the worst days of my life.
I remember going to the doctor because of extreme pelvic pain. I got an STD test and a shot from hell. I was extremely bruised from the trauma. Also, STD prevention shots are no joke. They inserted the needle which didn't hurt and then the medicine itself made my legs hurt so bad with pain I had an anxiety attack. I was crying and screaming because the pain was so bad.
The reason why I titled this "Full Circle" is because since then I have done things that I never thought I would have done in the last 365 days. I have moved out and now currently live with a roommate. I currently work two jobs that keep me from overthinking. I cut some real toxic relationships including the one with my rapist. I have apologized to people I have hurt.
I am learning how to move past it even though right now its hard to think that it has basically been a full year after this encounter.
Dating has never been the same since then, I have gone off the deep end at times and other times, I am afraid of relationships.
In the last year, I have become apart of the #metoo movement which promotes healing from sexual assault. I have been able to try to start moving on because of that movement.
This is become who I am.
Life moves on but somethings you will never forget.
