I told myself that I wouldn't talk about it. But yet here I am prompted to write a blog post.
Life has been crazy lately. Actually this whole month has been hectic. I found out that someone who I was dating for a few months and I had know for a long time cheated on me and then totally ghosted me. That was a hard pill to swallow and for awhile I was sad about it and I didn't know what to do.
I eventually threw myself into work and that itself was mentally and physically exhausting. Being a cashier in a tiny town is something else. Lately I have been working a lot of mornings and everyone who knows me knows that I love my sleep and so that itself has been hard.
I know the one thing people are curious to know is my Facebook post. I said I needed privacy but I also want people to know so they don't assume things.
I recently got into another relationship. It was with someone who for the first time made me feel like things were decent. It seemed like I was finally going to be happy. I was into music again and I was going to start writing. It was like the sun came out again in my life.
Well that relationship ended in a phone call.
I cried myself into a panic attack. I wasn't having a good day mentally. I was overthinking my relationship and I was trying to figure out my life. It honestly sucked because I thought I was with someone who understood my anxiety and depression and that I could fully be myself.
It led to me questioning everything. Right now, I have a giant wall up for everyone. I had recently lost some friends to some pointless drama so between that and my breakup I was emotionally and mentally spent. I spent the night questioning on what the hell I did wrong. I took it slow or at least tried to. I tried to not overthink it. I think the only thing is that I made it facebook official.
I am sitting here trying not to cry because I don't know what I am doing anymore. I feel like everything good that happens is destroyed because of me. My relationship was new and I wanted to protect it because at the moment it was the only positive thing going on. So right now, I am trying to figure out my life. It triggered my depression and my anxiety that I couldn't concentrate at work. I have been just feeling very mentally exhausted.
My life is a big question mark right now. Sometimes i think its gonna go one direction and then it totally goes the opposite way. I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish that things would go the way I want but hey we don't always get what we want in life.
So I am asking for thoughts and prayers as I try to get mentally better. I am going to master some self care tips and hope that my depression and my anxiety don't eat me alive.
