Life has been hard and crazy but I'm here and I have never been so happy to be alive.
I am gonna update ya'll on a bunch of stuff.
As most of you probably heard from anyone close to me or him, I am no longer engaged. That broke off roughly one maybe two months ago. That was a hard pill to swallow. Actually, everything after that was super hard to swallow. After the broken engagement, we tried to repair our relationship and it wasn't healthy anymore. It was constant fighting about jealously and video games that we just decided to end it.
I made some really stupid decisions. Some I wish I could take back but it is what it is.
Anyways, I decided to put my mental health first for the most part. That sank for awhile. I was severely depressed and very anxious that I started having panic attacks. I had an awful panic attack roughly about a week and a half ago where I thought I was going to die. Not fun not at all.
I worked at Walmart for roughly two months or so but my depression took over and I spent many days in my bed ignoring the world which eventually caught up to me in terms of being unemployed.
I spent like two weeks ruining my sleep schedule actually destroying it and becoming more depressed because I had nothing to do. I felt guilt for my job and my relationship. I moved back in with my mom, where I am currently living. He moved on and I admit I did too. But it was always in the back of my mind.
I lost so many friends over that breakup that it really triggered more depression. I missed my friends and I felt as they choose sides and it sucked. I cried and cried and nothing really helped. My doctor changed my meds and we tried this time for a good combination with me going to all my therapies. Which honestly means spending days off being anxious for what whichever doctor has to say.
Finally, this last Friday, I had a meltdown which meant a trip to the ER in Mansfield to see if I needed to be admitted for a week of inpatient treatment. Luckily, after five and a half hours, a severe headache, and a visit from the hospital on call psychiatrist I went home at 1:30 ish.
The discharge nurse explained my chart. Yes, I have an anxiety disorder, yes I have panic attacks, yes I am depressed but one thing I didn't know existed was a disorder called Adjustment Disorder. I have been researching it because i never ever heard of something like that. The definition I found on google is, " a group of symptoms, such as stress, feeling sad or hopeless, and physical symptoms that can occur after you go through a stressful life event. The symptoms occur because you are having a hard time coping." THIS MADE SO MUCH SENSE.
I knew I was having a hard time coping with my broken engagement. Hello I was going to get married. My best friend broke up with me and made me move out our apartment together.
Treatment is basically therapy and just talking about how I feel. Luckily I have a wonderful therapist which honestly not until today I realized she is right about so many things.
I can't control people's actions. Yeah they may do really stupid stuff but I can't do anything about it. I can have a reaction but I can't act upon it if that makes any sense.
I am slowly putting my life back together. I started seeing this guy casually I met off a dating website(THEY ARE NOT ALL BAD) and honestly I can be myself around him. He is pretty special especially because he drives over an hour to see me a couple times a week. Dedication to him. He is great.
I am working on the relationships I have with people. Honestly, it is hard. Rebuilding trust that was lost or just trying to trust in general not the easiest thing in the world but I am working on it.
Life isn't the greatest but it isn't the hardest ether. I am honestly so so grateful for the friends who have stepped up and the friends I have made and my family who has my back.
I promise this won't be the last you hear from me.
