Life has been hectic.
Actually, I don't even think hectic even begins the explain or describe the last four months or so of my life. I don't know how to even start to explain it but everyone in a way deserves to know what has been going on.
I blog and I share my life because in some sort way I feel like someone out there reads this and is like man I needed this right now or I know exactly how she feels.
I am open about my struggle or in a way I try to be. I closed myself out to others and to a lot of things in a way that was so not healthy and it took awhile to realize that I need to get my life totally back on track.
I was drowning. I was gonna go on a mission. I came home from school all excited all beyond ready. And then once you hear the words that you were diagnosed with anxiety/depression/ocd all within weeks it hits you like a ton of bricks. There went my hopes and dreams for a mission.
On top of that, my knees decided they wanted to act up again. I went back to the doctor after a failed surgery and we tried a shot and still pain. Then my right knee started acting up. Well ya know two not working knees how lovely right.
My world was falling apart. I was in a relationship where I felt the need that I needed to perfect. I needed to be this strong person whose issues could easily be solved with the words, "I love you" and "I promise things are going to be okay." After hearing those words, I became so angry with myself and the world. I shut him out when I don't think he knew it and I shut my friends out for weeks when I couldn't figure anything out. Things were not okay. They were not getting better.
I ended that relationship because I wasn't ready. I loved him and in a way I still do. I ended it because I needed to remember that I don't need to strive to be perfect. I wanted to be the girl who was strong and he could always go to and that he would marry someday in the temple. I wasn't strong. I kept my issues and listened to him and bottled everything up until I broke. He trusted me with everything and I couldn't tell him that secretly I was just drowning.
All my issues were not gonna be solved with the words "I love you" and "Things are gonna be okay." I knew inside that those words never helped yet I continued hearing them and I kept silent. I let him believe that I was okay when I wasn't and it wasn't fair to him. I wasn't who he thought he was and that made me really realize how I couldn't continue dragging him into it.
It wasn't until I saw my psychiatrist for the first time that my life made sense. Before I saw him nothing made sense in my mind of why I thought the way I did and why I couldn't control things that were happening and what happened in the past.
That being said, I am taking a year off of school. I am going to focus on getting in control of my mind and i am going to solve what the actual heck is going on with my knees. And for me to type that is one of the hardest things ever. Anyone who knows me knows I love BYUI. Holy heck I love Idaho and I love my mountains and not seeing my friends in the fall sucks so much.
But honestly I am learning to be okay. I am learning more about myself than I thought I would.This next year is gonna be me getting my life on track. I am going to learn how to cope with my mental health.
My mind has been a mess but I am not ashamed to share anymore what I have been going through lately. I am not scared anymore to say I was so sad and sometimes I still am and I am figuring it out. I am still the same weirdo who loves pizza and french fries.
I am figuring out that I will be okay. I will figure out what I am meant to do and who I am meant to be.
I am okay.
There is a song by the band Jack Mannequin. It is called Swim.
That song literally is currently the anthem of the last four months especially looking back of how far I have come. If anyone would've asked me how I was a month or two I would have looked at you dead in the eye and lied and said I am fine and that my life was just peachy.
The lyrics, "I swim to brighter days despite the absence of sun choking on salt water I'm not giving in I swim." saved me during a breakdown.
I will literally win and swim for brighter days to be happy no matter how hard it is. I deal with the bad days and praise where I can look at my best friend and say I had a good day.
I really love and appreciate my dad and some of my close friends for really sticking by me for the last couple of months and dealing with the fact that I am truly finding myself and dealing with my issues. You are the reason I continue to fight this battle!
Mental illnesses are no joke. That being said I am not ashamed of the battle I fight daily.
Until next time.
Kyrsten
